Saturday, August 12, 2006

Planes & Crazy Peeps

Business flight to North Carolina to check up on some business. Flight from New Orleans to Atlanta, no issues. We're all in the same boat, why would we get upset with each other? We save that for driving around the city yelling at each other anyway.
But the Atlanta to ________ North Carolina flight is a different story all together.
The plane is packed. Not an empty seat in coach. I don't mind sitting with the common people, hell I am a common person. The couple next to me seem nice enough, he looks like Ron Howard -Opie and she looks like a older Martha Stewart.They start the chit-chat, not me. I just answer their questions. I'm in radio, it's a business trip, blah blah blah until:
"Where ya from?"
(Mind) Don't say New Orleans, don't say New Orleans
(Mouth) "New Orleans"
The shit hits the fan. The couple that asked the question recoil in horror. The woman across the aisle- she's is not attractive, she looks like Chief Wiggum from the Simpsons-drops a portion of the philly cheese steak sandwich she's eating on the middle of her rather sizeable lap. The two older gentlemen in the row in front of me spin around so fast I think that the superhero "The Flash" is flying to ________ North Carolina with me. One looks like Mack Brown of the University of Texas. The other reminds me of Walter Cronkike for some reason.
Opie, Martha, Chief Wiggum, Mack and Walter. Plus ole New Orleans Dan.
Martha: "Why the hell would anyone want to live there?"
(mind)- Cause it's a free fucking country you backroad hick"
(mouth)- It's a beautiful enchanting city.
Opie: "I went there once, all them black people, never again"
(mind)- Thanks for the info Grand Wizard of the KKK
(mouth)- I see
Mack: "Why ya'll keep asking for money?"
(mind)- I wish you had kept some of your cash cause you need some mouthwash- or I need a gas mask
(mouth)- Well rebuilding a city is not cheap.
Walter: "I sure am glad that they ain't gonna rebuild that place"
(mind)- What the fuck you say mother fucker?
(mouth)- Your incorrect there sir
Wiggum: "All I got to say is I wish you people would leave Atlanta"
(mind)- Ummmm I'm a white guy
(mouth)- Who are "you people?"
Opie: "All ya'll from New Orleans. Everyone in Atlanta is tired of supporting ya'll. Ya'll need to go home"
(mind)- You know, my hands would fit around your neck perfectly
(mouth)- Sadly there are not really any homes left
Martha: "Are you living in a tent?" then giggles
(mind)- You savage bitch. I want to drag you to the bathroom and stuff you and your tired withered vagina down the toilet.
(mouth)- no ma'am, I'm not but I know many people who are right nowWiggum: "I don't want no more of my tax dollars being spent on you people"
(mind)- good idea, that sandwich and the other TWO in the bag must have cost you alot(mouth)- Trust me ma'am, we don't want anymore of your money
Wiggum: "What you mean by that?"
(mind)- Your money should be spent on a expedition to find your first chin
(mouth)- We just want the levee's rebuilt
Mack: "The what rebuilt?"
Walter: "They already rebuilt your levees"
Opie: "Ya'll got 80 billion, ain't that enough"
Mack: "Oh those- Bush said ya'll got the money for those"
(mind)- I will kill all of you in 10 seconds flat.
(mouth)- It's actually 85 million and that's not for levee's. That's for other stuff. It's a kinda big area and theres alot to do
Wiggum: "Why should we give ya'll money for that? We don't need no levee's in Atlanta."
(mind)- Where were you when we really needed you? Your butt coulda stopped the levee breach by itself.
(mouth)- Well you need interstates in Atlanta right?
Opie, Martha, Chief Wiggum, Mack and Walter all lean forward waiting for the wisdom. "Yeah" is the group answer.
(mouth)- Well the federal government built our levees and they failed. The Federal government also builds interstates. Now if that loop that goes around Atlanta collapsed some day with a bunch of cars on it, you would want it rebuilt right?
Opie, Martha, Chief Wiggum, Mack and Walter all look at each other and then back at me.
Wiggum: "That don't make no sense"
Opie: "I don't get it"
Martha: "Huh?"
Mack: "I'm not from Atlanta"
Walter: "Damn right they better rebuild it"
(mouth)-Well the levee's breaking are what caused all the problems. So we feel the same way as you would, that the people who built it wrong should fix it.
Mack: "Your full of it- that black mayor of yours is what caused the problems. He shoulda used them buses."
(mind)- If I wouldn't go to jail I would pull your lungs out of your body RIGHT FREAKIN NOW!!!
(mouth)- He wishes he had used them too, I promise.
Wiggum: "This country don't need no New Orleans anyway"
(mind)- stay seated stay seated stay seated
(mouth)- The New Orleans area gives alot to this country ma'am- you might want to check your facts
Opie: "That wasn't nice"
Martha: "That was rude"
Wiggum: "whad you say to me Mister?"
J.N., the flight attendent appears: "Sir , we will be able to accommodate your move to first class"
(mind)- ummmm request? What? First class who?
(mouth)- Thank you so much.
I'm gone. J.N. tells me she heard the whole converstation.
J.N.: "Honey, I'm from New Orleans. You need some first class pampering after that discussion"
(mind)- Thank God for Angels
(mouth)- Thank God, your a Angel.
Hey Mack, Wiggum, Martha, Opie and Walter: From everyone in New Orleans : "Go fuck yourself."


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At 2:07 PM, Blogger eyeball_kid said...

You have the patience of a saint. If I had been in your position, I'd have been arrested somewhere near the line about "you people need to get out of Atlanta" ... holy Christ! Thank god for angels indeed. Makes you kind of want to puke, doesn't it? Puke and cry and inflict grievous bodily harm...

At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've been arrested during the beginning of the discussion myself. I'm from Lafayette (lived in N.O while attending UNO briefly some time back). I visit Houston often because my sister lives and works there. When my sis and I were checking in at Houston's Hobby airport, the security guy looked at me strangely while looking at my ID. He asked "Are you going back to New Orleans". I'm like, WTF!! WTF is it with everyone stereotyping New Orleans or anyone from Louisiana for that matter. It is so ridiculous.

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